Recently, I’ve had a big problem. My go-to strategy is to blame myself. It has worked well in the past. First off, I am a variable that I can control. Secondly, try to get someone else to take responsibility and see how that goes. However, recently, blaming myself for everything has made me feel like a victim of life. So, I put my life on pause until I could figure this out. Call it fate or luck, I saw a diagram like the one above that sparked a revolution of thought. I’m not sure anyone else has ever thought of this idea. I feel the need to say that in this age of AI gobbledygook. I’m proud to say my ideas and my words are my own.

It’s a Venn diagram of Boolean logic operations like AND, OR, and NOT, which sounds complicated and definitely can get complicated, but in my brain, life suddenly got simpler and clearer. Let me explain. 

I realized that I had been thinking about life in too black and white, like it was either me or the other person. Sometimes, I would blame a third thing, like bad luck, extenuating circumstances or unforeseen consequences. Little did I know that given two variables, there are 16 different possible combinations. In other words, given one problem, there are 16 different things you can blame. 

I found this idea freeing. Statistically speaking, I am not actually the problem. And neither is the other person.  

This article may look complicated, but it is very easy to explain. And no one needs to memorize all 16 possibilities. However, I hope that when you encounter a challenging situation, rather than habitually blaming yourself or the other person or the situation, you can take a moment to think that there are many possible problems/solutions. 

Below, I’ll give a quick explanation of each diagram using plain language and labels. If you want to learn more technical descriptions and the science of Boolean logic, see the links below. I’ll start with my favorites and progress through them from simple to more complex. If you are like me, you might be able to grok the idea just by looking at the pictures. 

Nothing. There is no problem.

This is my favorite. What if there is no problem?

It took me most of my life to learn to question the question. In terms of a logical fallacy, this is begging the question (petitio principii). This fallacy occurs when an argument’s premises assume the truth of its conclusion. In essence, it’s a form of circular reasoning. So, if you question the question, it reveals the unproven assumption.

In my article on Acceptance — A New Rule, I explore these ideas:

1. Is this a real problem?
2. Does this problem belong to me? 
3. Am I willing and able to do something about it? 

Everything. We are all to blame.

This is another one of my favorites. Rather than blame the other person or situation, why not just blame everything? “It’s just the world we live in.” Or, “It is what it is.” For example, who is responsible for climate change? Well, we inherited a world with an infrastructure built primarily on fossil fuels, and most of us can’t simply stop driving our cars because we have families to feed. So, in this case, a solution to the problem would need to have multiple facets.

Me. I’m the problem.

This one hardly needs explaining, except to say it’s a black-and-white choice between A and B. Remember, in these examples, think of yourself as A, the circle on the left, and think of circle B as the problem. In terms of a relationship, it’s all your fault, like the classic breakup line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” In terms of a situation, like a football game, it would be your favorite team that did everything right and won the game.

This is such a fun one that Taylor Swift made a song about it. Here’s a verse.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees

You. (Not me.) You’re the problem.

My experience shows that blaming the other person or situation is the most common gut response. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were so simple? It’s hard to take responsibility for a problem because we are truly doing the best we can. Even though we all may have good intentions, we often lack perspective. That’s where all the following examples come in handy. We can see that most situations involve multiple factors and that we can shift from black and white thinking in shades of gray.

In this and the following examples, think of “you” as the other person.

Everything but me is the problem.

I hope you are getting the ideas by now. I suggest you try to figure out the following illustrations before reading my explanation.

This is similar to the last example, where person A doesn’t take responsibility. This is the default state of being human. If we are wrong, that means our survival is threatened. So, the number one rule that governs humans is to defend. The number two rule is to attack. And the third rule, which isn’t instinctual as much as it is learned, is to find a compromise or a solution that works for both.

So, this perspective is that of a child who hasn’t yet learned compromise. In an adult, it is called being irresponsible at best, and may even be called narcissism or victim mentality.

Everything but the other is the problem.

Everything but the other person is the problem. In this case, you are idolizing someone or something too much and not seeing the bigger picture.

By the way, some of these concepts get abstract. If you have any ideas on how to simplify them with fun labels, leave a comment below.

Both of us together is the problem.

I find this one interesting. In this case, it’s not the individual but something about the relationship that is causing the problem. In colloquial terms, this would be a toxic relationship. Though this post is about identifying problems, this same dynamic in a positive sense may be termed magical or synergistic.

We live in a messed-up world.

As you can see, there is an opposite dynamic to every situation. Here, the problem is everything but the people involved.

It’s me when I’m all alone.

Personally speaking, this spiral that I go down when I feel depressed. If I’m not careful, I’ll isolate myself and go downhill fast.

It’s you when you’re all alone.

This is your friend who suffers from depression or refuses help for anything.

I’m not the problem when I’m all alone.

Perhaps this is the type B personality.

You’re not the problem when you’re all alone.

Your friend is a type B personality, perhaps writing the next great American novel instead of drinking with their buddies.

Only when we are together is there a problem.

I find this one interesting. In this case, it’s not the individual but something about the relationship that is causing the problem. In colloquial terms, this would be a toxic relationship. In a positive sense, this could be termed magical or synergistic, like a couple friends thinking: “We’re the only two people holding this place together.”

The whole world falls apart when we are not together.

This is a fun one. I think it is the premise of every romantic movie ever made. The problem exists both in the world and in yourself, but not when you are together. I’m guessing if you flip back and forth with the previous illustration, it becomes a romantic comedy.

It’s a problem only for us when we are separated.

This is another interesting example. Here, the problem exists both in yourself and the other person, but not when you are together. Again, this could be the synergy of the relationship, like making a good team, but it also could tend towards a co-dependent form.

It’s a problem for us and the world when we are together.

This is the idea that every superhero needs a supervillain. Where would the movies be without villains? Perhaps, we’d be living in a very peaceful world, because when the two meet, the whole world goes to hell, at least until the end of the movie.

Whew! That was a lot. Some of these ideas get very abstract. If you have any ideas on how to simplify them with fun labels, please leave a comment below or send me a message.

And if you like a reminder to hang on the wall or work through with your class or coworkers, download the free PDF below, which has both the problem, as described here, and a second page that reverses the analogy and discusses how to find solutions, which is more of a passionate way of living.